Monday, March 28, 2011

What I’d tell her.

TX trip March 2010 (184)This family picture was taken a year ago this month.  Wow.  What a year it has been! There are so many things I’d tell the woman in this picture.  She was very unaware of what would unfold in the weeks following this photo.

She was in TX on her first family vacation as a family of 5.  A special trip out of state.  The furthest from home the kids had ever been.  Riverwalk, Sea World’s dolphins & whales, visiting family in Houston.

She was comfortable in her life.  Happily married, 3 healthy happy kids, a nice home with the ultimate new playground.  She ran a daycare full of great kids & wonderful parents.  A member of an awesome church that provided support, a plethora of friends &offered many, many blessings to her family.

She lead a life of routine & busy schedules.  Church on Sunday.  Helping with Sunday school or nursery.  Husband very busy in all areas of church.  Lunch after church each Sunday with the in-laws.  Usually some girl shopping while the boys watched sports or napped…or both! :)  Daycare during the days. Board Meetings, MOPS, bible studies & other volunteer opportunities filled the remainder of the week nights. Late night talks with dear friends.  Daily calls from sister & friends. Visits north to her parents every 6-8 weeks. The weeks were always full of coming & going.

She kinda speculated the very day the photo was taken that she might be expecting. A week & a half later that was confirmed.  CrAzY surprising news to receive driving 70 mph down the highway!! There was some worry about the idea of adding another child, but was excited none the less. 4 seemed perfect…a nice even number.  We already had a boy or girl “vowel” name picked out.

It was in no time really within 24 hours of the pregnancy news things started to unravel.  An all time low in her marriage…yep you heard me. Probably surprising news to some, but true.  Doubts in some of her friendships. 3 weeks later she’d lose the baby…on that VERY day the biggest change to come would be put in motion.  While waiting in the office for the Dr to put the seal of approval on the broken heart caused by the empty sonogram screen Matt said “I’ve got big news from work, but I’m not sure now is the time…blah, blah…a position in AZ”. No Matt…NOT the time. 

She was too busy processing the guilt.  She finally got IT.  The instant guilt one puts on herself when the joy of 2 lines end up with a motionless sonogram.  The what ifs.  The dreams that had already been dreamed- over like that.  The that love at first sight is a myth  AS sometimes love occurs without sight…love can occur instantaneously with no more of a visual than 2 pink lines. With in minutes you dream boy or girl, Owen or Ellie, brown eyes or blue, sister or brother, what will he/she look like, act like or grow up to be?  You can almost picture a family photo with a family of 6. And so on.

It was when God took his baby back that He directed her path a direction that she never would have gone with the baby.  Arizona.  Every word in a thesaurus under the listing of “NEVER” would not adequately describe the odds of moving to Arizona at the time of the photo above.  But she felt the calling & went.  Pushing aside the WHYS that weighed her down. Why tease us with the baby?  Why take what was certain joy (in our mind- baby) & replace it with such uncertainty, doubt & fear in all areas? Why pull us away from family & dear friends we had grown close to. If she listened to the “whys” she’d never have the strength to proceed.

If there was a way to tell her THEN what I know now I’d tell her…

Blessings follow you in going where God leads.  It’s NOT easy.  NOT always comfortable.  NOT necessarily chirping birds, sunny skies & rainbows…ur…happy.  But he didn’t promise us easy, comfortable & happy.  He DID promise He’d never leave us.  He does sometimes allow burdens for us to realize how much more we need Him.  And you WILL need him in what lies ahead. So rest in that. He can use where you are to bring healing to relationship issues in ways you can’t imagine.  It won’t be overnight & will require more of you than you can sometimes dream possible to give.  He can use your isolation from friends & family to draw you closer to Him to work in your life & in your marriage to bring about change He wants for you.

The pain & hole that you feel from losing the baby will heal.  Even the urge to try for another will subside…for good, or at least until later.  On days of stress with an 18 mo old you’ll almost breath a {guilty} sigh of relief that you don’t have a 5 month old as well.  But then you’ll have days where your arms still ache for that lil’ boy or girl.

Rest & be still. Being pulled out of the craziness & business of your routine & schedule into being void of activity…just being.  This time for family & for kids will make you wonder not only HOW you did it all before, but WHY.  So cherish & use the time He’s given for clarity, reprioritizing & restructuring you ways toward His plan.

You will find another church family that will help you grow. Not as easy to connect & will take you out of your comfort zone to do so, but it can be done.  You might even grow to like hearing similar topics & stories shared in ways that are different than before.  Your eyes will be opened & gain spiritual maturity that if you had remained in the business of church you might have missed & remained in the rut of “doing” church rather than BEING the church.

The friends you didn’t think twice about missing while on your short TX trip will be friends you long to see.  Took for granted the friends that shared smiles, encouraging words & warm hugs on hard days. You’ll miss many for all the different ways they touched you. Caring hugs from some, calm gentle words of others.  Times of laughter, companionship & good food! :)  Although gone strong friendships will remain- achingly painful at times but, doable. Not having these friends so readily will force  you to rely on yourself & place your faith & strength where it truly belongs instead of on friends. 

Cherish each day as it comes.  Try even on the hardest of days to find joy in Him.  Days you will doubt.  Days you won’t wanna even get out of bed.  Days you think you could live inside everyday, not putting yourself out there to meet others to just bide time until you can move back. But then in your heart you know.  You’ve seen others dealt much larger struggles in life than what you’re currently in & having watched that you know all the “whys” will someday become clear…and in that you might even say “thank you God & sorry for my doubt in your plan, for I just didn’t know.”

There will be days where you receive wonderful news from KS & would die to be there to celebrate & days that you receive bad news or see loved ones hurting & you’d do ANYthing to be there. On those days pray…A lot.

But then there will be good days.  Days where you see the silver lining, can see the blessings more clearly.  You can see how growth & change is happening in your life because you were removed from the daily “rut” you were in & brought you your knees submitting to His will. And SOME days you think you might miss the 70 degree, sunny crystal blue skies & majestic mountains when back in KS someday.

There will be moments like now where the emotion is still so surfaced that you cry and not even sure if it’s sadness, happiness or shear confusion.

Cheers for April ‘11 to be far better & less eventful than April 2010! :)


Unknown said...

I love this and really needed to hear it! You are such a great writer! My heart broke for you and my heart was happy for you! Take care dear friend!

Amanda said...

Tears! I second what Tamara said...You are a wonderful writer! Miss you friend!

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