So I’ve kinda fallen off the FB and blogging world since about March.  For good reason in my opinion, but here’s my attempt at explaining why and what new things lay ahead for my life as a friend, mother and wife…

First of all I HATE sharing this this way, however thanks to STUPID Cox Communication my email is down that has ALLL my email addresses, so email is not an option.  A status update seemed bad too.  So, here I go…

I’m not quite sure where to start.  There’s no sugar coating it…after many, MANY years of talking, discussing & debating about moving for Matt’s job we’ve made the agonizing decision.  With in the new 2 months or so we’ll be moving to the hot, HOT spot of Arizona.  Yes, so far away.  I could explain for hours how many times we (really “I”) held Matt back from taking opportunities with his job b/c I didn’t want to move.  Nope.  No change for me!  We talked about it when we were first married, we even visited TX when preggers with Emma.  TX came up several times and with each new division opening we’d discuss it.  Just this February we sat down and decided what cities we’d be interested in moving to.  Our short and not so flexible  list was Tulsa, Kansas City and maybe Dallas. I had all sorts of excuses why we couldn’t do it.  Family, money, friends, etc.

Well last week Matt came home from work and mentioned he’d received a job offer.  The timing of this offer is something I’ve spent many of hours questioning God about- but I’ll get to that.  What’s different this time is he gets his pick of Tulsa or Arizona instead of just “throwing his name in the hat” for the job they chose for him.  While Tulsa would seemed more logical to some, in the case of seeing family, it didn’t hold the opportunity that AZ does.  Opportunity, not necessarily more $$.  I’d never want anyone to think dollar signs would tempt me to leave my family & dear friends. NEVEReverever.  Yes it will be more, but when you account that I’m losing my job…not really more $$.

Matt has been chosen/requested to move to AZ to work at the QT Distribution Warehouse  that contains all the product such as lids, cups, straws, all things QT that are shipped out to stores AND the QT Kitchens that make all their food products. (Hotzies, donuts, cookies, sandwiches, etc)  Food is an area QT plans to grow in a lot in the coming years and this is a great opportunity for Matt to get in on the beginning stages of it.  His role at first is quite similar to his job now.  Hiring, training & firing of the hundreds of employees.  His job is to create a a program for the facility to follow where employees follow standards, are held to fair and consistent standards and are trained appropriately.  Or so I think…it’s all a bit fuzzy b/c…

Fast forward an hour after Matt received news of this job and he gets a call from me.  We hadn’t shared yet, but we had found out in March we were expecting.  Very much a surprise, but very much welcomed after the shock wore off.  Home tests were not very accurate and actually read negative.  But the 2 Dr. blood tests showed I was in fact expecting.  That all changed last Thursday.  Upon returning home from MOPS I discovered something was not right.  I called my Dr. and Matt.  He met me at the Dr. office and between the exam and sono shared that he had “work news”.  At that point I was NOT prepared to discuss that.  By days end we had in fact been informed this pregnancy was not going to last.  I was always excited when learning of expecting a baby and had NO idea how devastating the news of losing a baby at 2 months could be.

It almost seemed as though the past week has drug on slower than any time in my life.  There’s been so much to digest in such a short time.  So many questions as to why God chose this specific timing.  I mean each event in it’s own is enough.  But all in one day.  All in a 2 hour time span.  Overload is where I have been!  And since making our moving decision I’m still there!

I would worry that maybe all the stress lead me to making a rash decision about moving, but that is the simply amazing part.  I’ve experienced more anxiety when just discussing moving before than what I feel about our decision this time.  I decided to live Monday as if we had decided to move.  Tuesday I tried to live as if were weren’t and it is unexplainable how different I felt.  It’s almost as if God changed my eyesight, like I was looking through a different lens.  Looking around the house or driving through Derby, didn’t feel the same.  I felt as if there wasn’t the “I can’t leave” connection I had felt before. And had this nagging that we should go.

We both kind of agree that had I not lost the baby and in fact were going to have a 4th child we wouldn’t have even discussed moving.  That was hard to hear and realize.  Painful to think that losing a baby somehow directed and focused us on a plan.  Still saddens me.  Having a 4th child and living here is surrounded with feelings of joy, where moving half way across the country is a mixture of every sad and scary emotion.

Now do NOT get me started on thinking about the relationships I’ m leaving behind, because well that will take a looong time to accept.  I just have this overwhelming feeling that this is what we should do.  There’s a peaceful feeling I have about living there.  The moving, the leaving stirs lots of stress within me, yet I know it’s the right thing for Matt’s job and well he’s worked very hard over the years at QT and all of our retirement “eggs” are in his basket since I’ve not worked in 7 years.

My prayers are many and all across the board…one that all our friends and family will try to understand and support our decision.  Second that we will find a neighbor or friend of some sort for Emma to play with and perhaps a mother on our street that is also home that I can get to know.  And that God will continue to open or close doors as this process continues.  He already had opened doors that we feel point us in this direction.  I pray we find a church and quickly develop a support system.  It’s our goal and prayer to be conservative in our living as to afford to visit home often.  Matt gets 3 weeks vacation and I’d hope to return for a couple weeks each summer.  Pray that Allegiant Air stays in Wichita for reasonable airfare. I pray the job goes well and QT offers Matt a job back closer to home in the next 3-5 (dream) or 6-7 (yikes) years…please not longer than that.  Probably not going to be Wichita, but maybe KC or Tulsa.  I pray this is a chapter or season of our life that will end and  move us toward better things as our children grow and our parents age.

There’s so many things that I will miss that are quite little in comparison to some things one might miss…annual things like Fair Days, Labor Day celebration, Bake Day, MOPS,  scrappin/CropAGanza, Buzzards with my fam, church with Matt’s fam, the list could go on…and I seriously doubt this will be the last of the news on moving OR me medically as apparently I can’t miscarry appropriately and may face procedures next week for that…why…really WHY??!!

Consider yourself lucky to get the news this way.  You’re spared the tears & snotty runny nose with sniffling you’d have to endure on the phone or in person….ta ta for now…