Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Final Days

Whew. What a blur! And I don't mean the last few days. I'm thinking the last 9 months! I've done my best the last few days to make the most of my time as I know I'll get nothing but busier. Today the kids and I went to the dollar movie showing of Ice Age. It was a great experience to learn that Aidan is no where near ready for a theater movie! We grabbed a quick bite of lunch before they headed over to Aunt Shel's to swim while mommy caught lunch with a friend. This evening I took them to the in laws where they will be staying the next 2 nights. That wasn't easy. Monday we ran some errands, got the truck all cleaned out, and finished some sewing projects one of which was Emma's nap towel for school. I worked on getting the next 2 weeks outlined on a calendar with all her school events so we don't have any major first time Kindergarten parent oversights.

As for me I'm feeling stuck. It's all so fuzzy to me. I went through this about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks ago and mentioned it to my Dr. I was just feeling non-excited. I was motivated to get lots done to prepare for baby, and maybe in all my prep started to forget what I was preparing for and to prepare myself?!?! This all contradicts a previous blog stating all the things I'm excited, nervous, etc about. I've tried analyzing if it's that it's the 3rd and I've been soooo busy with the others and everyday life that I'm not "connected" or is it that we didn't determine gender so it feels so different than with the other 2 that had names at 20 weeks!!

After a long drive of constant questions from Emma I delivered them to my in laws tonight. Emma was quite emotional when I left, making it hard for me. She has seemed to piece together that there's going to be an "odd man out". She said "if I hold the baby so you can snuggle Aidan, who's going to snuggle me?" That ripped my heart out along side some county road we were driving down. I think for her it's the unknown. Once baby is here, gender determined, name, etc she'll wrap her mind around it all. Shoot...I'm hoping I can wrap MY mind around it all! Like mother like daughter! Then again I found it hard to reassure her with all her questions because I question myself on how it's all going to work out. Hard to answer her questions and make her feel safe about her place in out little family when I am full of doubts and concerns myself!

But then as I reflect I have to know where these doubts come from!! I really feel like my emotions are being attacked and confused to distract from the miracle that is happening. The miracle that my 3 pregnanceis and 2 babies so far have been. I feel so blessed to be able to say I had no major or even minor complication during all of my 120 weeks of pregnancies!! Just think about how awesome the design of a developing baby, the way God made our bodies to adapt and endure the whole pregnancy and birth process! It's simply is so miraculous you can hardly get your mind around it!! I've been excited from the beginning to hold this baby! I know I'm capable as a mother to do the best I can...not always on my own and not always perfect, but with help from friends and guidance the ONE who created and designed each precious child for me!

Again maybe it's the 3rd time around and being near the end that has me focused more on how much better I'll feel once baby is out- my feet, legs, tummy ribs, head, ability to sleep, etc I'm also nervous about the whole process of labor. Just a few weeks ago I was excited at the "challenge" now I'm not so sure! We learned with Aidan that I'm more scared of the thought of pain than the pain itself. So that leads to "night before jitters!" So, as I go back to reread my previous post about all the things I'm excited about I close with thanking everyone in advance for their prayers tomorrow as we journey to the hospital. Be watching for info...


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